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..” and Lucy looked at her and she had tears in her eyes and she said “I'm sorry your dad died, I am, but I was here for you. Why did you just go?”And then she looked at me and she said “And you. Fuck you! I did nothing wrong so fuck you for not loving me anymore. Fuck you for loving Cait more. And fuck you because I still love you and I don't want to.”And Cait said “Lucy, listen. My dad...” but Lucy was still looking at me and I said “I couldn't...”And she said “'I just don't love you anymore, Lucy'. See, it's not hard. Just say it.” And I said “No, I...” and she said “Because you say that to people, you don't just disappear” and I said “I know, but...” and she said “You don't just put people through hell like that” and I said “I know, I'm sorry.”And Cait said “Lucy...” and Lucy said “I don't love you. Say it!” And I said “No! It's not true! I love you!” and she shouted “No you don't! Because if you did, you wouldn't have done that!”And then she jumped up and ran out of the room.And. Their inner beauty had replaced their outer shells, as though they had been turned inside out during their six-week trek through sexual sobriety and now represented the same aesthetic beauty he had seen in the dreams he had.For some reason he no longer cared what he looked like. He liked eating and would continue to do so until he couldn’t get out of bed anymore. It was a strange liberation that these meetings provided all of a sudden: the ability to go deeper than what the restrictions of his shallowness as a man allowed, especially when it came to his definition of what beauty was, because now it could be everything that he never noticed—how Irving was somehow beautiful for romancing his dog, or how Eliza’s spandex top made him want to plant his face into her acne-lined cleavage, or how he imagined having a threesome with both of the women. And then suddenly he remembered where he was and that his disease was taking over again—only now he was as big as a walrus. Because of his new.
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